did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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