My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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