It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
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We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
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At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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