I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
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I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
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My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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