i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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