That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
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