The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
