hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
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she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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