i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
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A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i've created a new STD.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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