I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
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What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
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I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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