Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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