his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
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Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
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Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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