I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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