I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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