It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
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Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
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I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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