Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
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Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
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my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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