im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
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Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
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You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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