My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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