Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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