At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
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There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
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He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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