I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
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I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
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i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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