dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
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im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
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The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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