i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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