My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
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It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
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What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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