I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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