I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
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You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
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