I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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