You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
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His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
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It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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