I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
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My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My ATM looks so different sober.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's official drugs can't kill me
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i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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