its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
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I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize