Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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