My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
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Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
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I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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