Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
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She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
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I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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