12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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