hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
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I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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