Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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