I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
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Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
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And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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