he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
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Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
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