Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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