I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
A bitchslap is in order.
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