why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
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When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
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My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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