Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
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Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
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The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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