We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
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A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
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Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
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