peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
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Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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