He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
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This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
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Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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