I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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