My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
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My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
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Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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