I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
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She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
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Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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