nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
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Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Damn victory sex feels great
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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