Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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